Princess

Before I was your punching bag
I was your princess.

Beautiful.

Untouchable.

A perfect portrait of all that unconditional love is supposed to be.

A love I've never known.
A love I've heard about, read about.

And just like the fairy tales my mother used to read to me at night about
The man who made the waters stand apart and the man who brought the dead back to life,
It sounded real good.

Only I dare not ask for a miracle.
I just needed another day to let my purple bruises turn yellow.

I dare not ask time to let them heal.
No, that might be more than I deserve.

So, I walk on egg shells and I try to cover my face and head
As your fists rain down, I send up a prayer,
Wishing for one last miracle.

Turn him into a pillar of salt!
No, a beetle!

So, that I may grind you underfoot
So that you learn the pain of being stripped naked of humanness.
So that no crown should be tarnished because of your many imperfections.

But, fairy tales aren't real and Prince Charming isn't coming.

Oh well.

At least, once upon a time, I was your princess.

Animals

Did animals just come carnivorous?

Or was there something broken in the ecosystem by us, the touchers of things?

My kids go through my make-up and make complete messes of themselves.

Is that how God feels?

Are we the Stuff Smashers of God?

Well, at least he thinks we’re cute.

In fact, we are more esteemed than the stars.

But, back to animals eating animals.

That just seems strange to me that a God who loves His creations would like to purpose one life form for the consumption of another life form.

I know God to be a God of love.

I get lightweight emotional when my son makes his toy cars crash!

But, I’m just some lady with kids.

What do I know?

I think it’s just what nature does.

And we can get mad about it and wish it weren’t so, but ugly exists.

It’s the reason we enjoy the bright spots so much.

We all KNOW that, but nobody wants to hear it or accept that it’s true.

Nature ebbs and flows.

The best thing you can do is make sure you’ve got your surfboard ready and ride the wave for as long as you can!

Don’t spend a MOMENT of your time frustrated, sad, depressed, angry.

If the moments are all we have, then why do we throw them away?

Because, in the end, when all of our grey hairs are counted and the wrinkles have overtaken us, we will be the compounded result of whatever we have spent the most energy on.

Shouldn’t it be something that fulfills your soul?

Makes you smile every day?

Makes you feel like you have purpose?

Aren’t just a cog in someone else’s wheel?

You know, some of us become slaves to children!

Did you know that that was possible?

There’s a mother right now reading this and wishing she can break free from slavery from her kids.

I’m praying for you, honey.

You can choose to be a slave to anything and everything.

But you can also choose freedom.

Did God create destruction or does he just allow it?

Hell, I don't know.

But, I know it's there.

It happens.

The best I can do is be the force for good.

Since I'm always either growing or dying, I choose the light.

So, dance.

Laugh hard.

Love hard.

And most of all.

Follow the Pleasure Principle :)

Freedom

Freedom is not free, but it’s right up there with oxygen.

If someone cut off your air supply, how long would you survive?

It takes five to ten minutes before irreversible brain damage can occur.

While we are not our minds, our thoughts become things.

And if the things that we see become the things that we think about, oppression, injustice, violence, hate, ignorance, why are we so surprised that the world is so cold?

The exception to the oxygen rule is when someone young is simultaneously put into a cold environment when oxygen is cut off. 

Survival has been known to be up to 30 minutes. 

Time has not run out, but it most definitely is short. 

Our children are growing up in a world that abuses, misuses, does everything but nourishes them to flourish. 

Deterioration causes desolation. 

"You will know the truth and the truth shall set you free. " 

Freedom is not free.

But, if your head is under water and water is filling your lungs and your blood is rushing to your head, you tell me.

How important is freedom, then?

We Survived A Fire

We survived a fire.

No one was hurt or injured.

We stood outside watching smoke billow out of the windows while firefighters ran back and forth.

Like instant refugees, my children and I stood, watching, waiting, with no more than the pajamas that we ran out in on.

It was a sea of faces.

The faces had questions.

"What are you guys going to do?"

"Where will you live?"

Not to mention our cat is still unaccounted for.

Once the camera phones had been put away and there was nothing left to gawk at except the family of half-dressed deer in headlights, the world slowly began to spin again.

Neighbors came and provided diapers and clothes for the children, sweaters for me and my daughter.

They offered their places if I needed to make calls or just to think.

I was so grateful.

Red Cross came almost right away.

They talked to me softly, pressed a folder with the words, ‘Moving Forward’ into my hands, and told me that this was just the beginning.

They laughed and joked with us, making sure that we had accommodations and basic provisions.

But, it was Independence Day weekend.

And how symbolic.

I didn’t anticipate having to stay in a hotel, but especially not over a holiday weekend where rates were at least three times what they were normally.

After exhausting my resources, I checked out of our hotel room and found myself feeling and being displaced.

Where do you go when you have nowhere to go?

People started to give us clothes and food right away.

Where do you put your things when you have no place for your things?

Where would I even cook?

I felt the children growing restless.

But, I couldn’t help the urge to say, "This is not play time!"

When IS play time in a crisis?

And when the sweltering heat started to affect my son’s breathing, my children were no longer full from the apple sauce packets and Lunchables, and all I could hear was the sound of kids crying from hunger, exhaustion, and frustration, I had to fight back tears myself.

The other part of it is that I suffer from Crohn’s disease, which is triggered by stress and poor diet.

My stress was at an all-time high and the processed food that I could scrounge up was killing my insides softly.

This was just a long weekend, I thought. 

Can you imagine what people go through who live this reality every day?

Well, let me tell you.

It’s the millions of questions, having to tell and retell the story countless times, to people who may or may not even be interested or able to help.

It’s the dirty looks and "this is what you should have done" comments.

It’s simply wanting to take a shower and sleep and not knowing when or if that will happen.

When you are in that situation, reality TV or Donald Trump’s hair or which celebrity is on a bender are like things that matter in an alternate dimension.

But, I began to understand why the displaced and homeless look so downtrodden.

Because people literally and figuratively trample them under foot.

With unkind words and looks, judgmental tones, and outright ignorance.

But, the truth is, we are all one bad weekend away from being one of them.

Our pretty clothes and shiny cars tend to make us forget that sometimes.

I was displaced for five days.

Five. Days.

Yet, there are people in one of the richest countries in the world, one that brags of unmatched freedoms, and people go without proper food, clothing, and housing every single day.

It’s disgusting.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Once people realized what was happening, they stepped in and extended themselves in a large way.

We survived a fire.

And it was an eye-opening experience, one that I will never forget and has added a driving force in my life and heart to do everything in my power to make sure that no man, woman, or children have to suffer through a tragedy with added, unnecessary burdens.

Signed,

Coco Tubman

Underground Railroad 2.0

Something shifted in me.

I took a step back to unplug and refocus and it all became crystal clear.

Here I was, building my financial future! 

Finally having found the exit tunnel that  my ancestors never knew existed, you would think that I'd have taken off running like my life depended on it.

But, it did.

And I didn't.

And after I finished pointing my finger at any poor soul unfortunate enough to cross my path, I began to realize that there might be a bigger problem.

Why did I seem to always stop right at the end?

The answer did not readily come at first.

In fact, it didn't for many years.

But, after many failed situationships and a few babies scattered along the way, I began to think.

First, my thoughts went to my mother, a woman that I equally loved and pitied for the poor life choices that she made.

It wasn't until I heard my mother half think out loud, half talk to me, and say, "Your life mirrors mine in so many ways."

I remember a guy telling me that I would have a baby young when I  was about ten.

I was so angry at him for that.

And yet, there I was, living in the same project apartment that my mother lived in when I was a baby.

That was my answer: conditioning.

I was conditioned to struggle.

I was conditioned to be single.

I was conditioned to feel disempowered.

I was conditioned to be afraid.

I was conditioned to hate myself.

These were powerful revelations that I couldn't find on a meme or tv.

This was real.

This was me.

And I started to see how I kept myself stuck.

I heard the excuses when they came out of my mouth and they just didn't taste the same.

And I decided to act.

Now, let's be clear.

I HATE doing something that I'm not the absolute best at right away.

I excel at most things.

Which is good!

But, when I got into action, I had to force myself to keep going because I knew I wasn't doing it 100% perfectly and I didn't like it.

The more I moved, the more the fear dissipated as I realized that it wasn't all that bad.

I felt like the kid who thought a shirt in a closet was a monster.

And I would randomly shake my head and laugh.

And the people around me were a gift.

When they would say things like I had in the past (as the people around you will), I would think, "Is that what I sound like? Ewwwwwwwwww."

Then, I forgave myself for being in that place.

Then, I got really grateful.

For the small things.

Like my daughter's smile.

And good water pressure.

And simply touching the heart of another.

Not because of what they'd done for me.

Not for what I'd done for them.

And not for some potential future gain.

But, just to take in their soul, to know their joys and sorrows, to create memories to last for ages.

It was with this revelation that life began to open up abundantly.

Modern Day Miracle

I wish I could say when God made me, he broke the mold.
But, I believe no mold could hold me.
So, he handcrafted my marrow, my sinew, my bones
And then released me
From my mother’s womb
Into a world unknown.
A world of quick fixes and microwaves
Ignorant people and smartphones.
A world needing disruption
Much like my fluid soul
To stand up and question barriers
Of egos too big and minds too small.

I came here to make you feel good
But first, I have to piss you off
And any slight suggestion might feel like
I’m asking you to turn your head and cough.
But, I promise that freedom taste better
Than anything a drive thru can provide
Better than additives and hormones
Or any flash-in-the-pan diet you’ve tried.

And yet, truth is largely ignored
Steamrolled by voices all the same
Advice no better for wear or tear
Than the advisor from whence it came.
But, what should make me so special,
My fate different from giants in whose shoes I walk?
They dodged mobs and knives and bullets,
Opposition and negative talk.

So, I add my few salty tears to the ocean
And find solace in fighting the good fight
And if nobody else sees things like I do
I will leave knowing that I stood for what’s right.

This scene is EVERYTHING!

Anyone who knows me knows that this is one of my all-time favorites, but there is so much KNOWLEDGE in this scene.

When I start giving motivational speeches, I'm going to use this.

Why?

1. Initaive: Whoopi didn't say, "Oh, well, dumb girl with so much talent. Go ruin your own life by playing small. I have my own life to lead."

2. Love: Sometimes, you have to love people enough to put your pride and ego to the side (and help them to do the same) to help them let their light shine.

3. BOOKS! She came at a high schooler, someone who may have felt that they already do enough reading with MORE reading.

But, books let us gain more wisdom by peeking into the minds of others.

Books INSPIRE.

Good job, Whoopi.

4. The book was about a writer.

5. The Icecapades. They were my ish, too. I don't do sports of any kind, except I think they qualify.

6. Lauryn Hill. I don't need to say more than that.

7. The message: Life is but a dream.

We need to nurture and live our dreams because it nurtures our souls!

So many people walk around like zombies, checking things off of their to-do lists and wonder why they aren't happy.

Do what makes your heart sing.

Coco

P.S.- Oh. And 8. It will give me a chance to wrap my throat muscles around that note that kid in City High did! :)