Monday, February 29, 2016

Underground Railroad 2.0

Something shifted in me.

I took a step back to unplug and refocus and it all became crystal clear.

Here I was, building my financial future! 

Finally having found the exit tunnel that  my ancestors never knew existed, you would think that I'd have taken off running like my life depended on it.

But, it did.

And I didn't.

And after I finished pointing my finger at any poor soul unfortunate enough to cross my path, I began to realize that there might be a bigger problem.

Why did I seem to always stop right at the end?

The answer did not readily come at first.

In fact, it didn't for many years.

But, after many failed situationships and a few babies scattered along the way, I began to think.

First, my thoughts went to my mother, a woman that I equally loved and pitied for the poor life choices that she made.

It wasn't until I heard my mother half think out loud, half talk to me, and say, "Your life mirrors mine in so many ways."

I remember a guy telling me that I would have a baby young when I  was about ten.

I was so angry at him for that.

And yet, there I was, living in the same project apartment that my mother lived in when I was a baby.

That was my answer: conditioning.

I was conditioned to struggle.

I was conditioned to be single.

I was conditioned to feel disempowered.

I was conditioned to be afraid.

I was conditioned to hate myself.

These were powerful revelations that I couldn't find on a meme or tv.

This was real.

This was me.

And I started to see how I kept myself stuck.

I heard the excuses when they came out of my mouth and they just didn't taste the same.

And I decided to act.

Now, let's be clear.

I HATE doing something that I'm not the absolute best at right away.

I excel at most things.

Which is good!

But, when I got into action, I had to force myself to keep going because I knew I wasn't doing it 100% perfectly and I didn't like it.

The more I moved, the more the fear dissipated as I realized that it wasn't all that bad.

I felt like the kid who thought a shirt in a closet was a monster.

And I would randomly shake my head and laugh.

And the people around me were a gift.

When they would say things like I had in the past (as the people around you will), I would think, "Is that what I sound like? Ewwwwwwwwww."

Then, I forgave myself for being in that place.

Then, I got really grateful.

For the small things.

Like my daughter's smile.

And good water pressure.

And simply touching the heart of another.

Not because of what they'd done for me.

Not for what I'd done for them.

And not for some potential future gain.

But, just to take in their soul, to know their joys and sorrows, to create memories to last for ages.

It was with this revelation that life began to open up abundantly.

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